To Philosophize is to Learn to Die
In the last 1.5 months, I’ve found myself reflecting a lot more than I usually do. I suspect it was a series of events that included deaths in my social circles, aging family members that are constantly hospitalized (including those of my close friends), and my usual ponderings about purpose and whether the path I’m taking is the right one. In fact, I think this may have been the first time in my life where I’ve felt I’ve had to choose between family and work.
Given how closely tied my career is to my identity, the title of this article draws from a passage I heard from my 3rd time listening (and 3 more times within the last 1.5 months) to When Breath Becomes Air, a memoir by Paul Kalanithi, a Stanford University neurosurgeon that was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer shortly after completing his training. Given how many of us, especially in America, live to work vs. work to live, this seemed like a fitting article for LinkedIn.
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying
It’s over a decade old now, but I’ve seen countless quotes of this book everywhere and I come across it quite often. If you’re not familiar with this book, it’s written by Bronnie Ware where she shares precisely that: the top five regrets of the dying as she worked in palliative care. They are shared below:
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I wish I had let myself be happier
The one I usually resonate the most with is certainly not working so hard. But lately, those feelings have been magnified given the events that have transpired and I’m starting to feel more guilty about staying in touch with friends. The former, because I take a lot of pride in my work (to a toxic fault), has begun to significantly impact my personal life. I’m actually experimenting with Huel right now (affiliate code) to reduce the time it takes to eat & cook as simply mixing some plant-based protein powder with milk for meals is quite efficient. It’s not too bad. The latter because I know there is a wide margin of opportunity in which I can improve as a friend.
Seeing some of my closest friends and family members go through very difficult times recently — coupled with my absence — has not sat very well with me. As suggested by the top 5 regrets, but also strongly supported by a myriad of evidence such as Robert Waldinger’s TED Conferences about “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness”, I think the message is quite clear about that regret and truly what makes us all happy:
Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period.
That was the main conclusion from the 75+ year study from Harvard University that has continued to study the lives of over 724 men. You can watch the #TEDTalk here: https://youtu.be/8KkKuTCFvzI?si=pszcisG9c2Bc3jrG.
Tipping Point
I’ve shared a lot about my struggle with balancing work with my family & friends over the years on my YouTube channel (Brian K Fung )and some of my blogs, but it felt different this time. Maybe it was because I spent more time being there physically last month than I usually do over an extended holiday? Or maybe it was the constant shifting back and forth with work to make sure I execute on certain tasks.
A key point to my work though: it’s because I choose to, not because I have to.
The aspects I mentioned earlier about happiness stemming from our relationships certainly makes me quite guilty when it comes to spending more quality time with those closest to me. Especially my grandma. Conversations with friends are starting to take on new topics that now involve Medicare and Medicaid, nursing homes, and home health services. It’s one thing to set personal goals to visit family and friends more frequently (2023 goals here), but it’s another when the hours involved shift from merely visiting and spending quality time with someone to hours required to ensure the basic requirements of daily living are met.
Growing up as a first-generation, Asian American, my childhood was quite void of emotions. I suspect being the eldest of my siblings and also the first born son contributed to this. There’s a common Chinese saying that I grew up to:
男人 大丈夫 流血 不 流泪
Which translates to:
A man bleeds, but does not shed tears
It wasn’t really until 2020, largely due to the pandemic, that I’ve come around to being a bit more expressive in my emotions. I have many to thank for that, but some of the key individuals came from the relationships forged in Subtle Asian Voices (SAV), a Youtube channel we started in 2020 to dive deeper into topics needed in the Asian community (e.g. mental health). All this to say, before I flew back to Virginia two weeks ago after visiting my Grandma, she reached for my hand, held it, and thanked me as I began to head out. It’s probably the first time she’s ever done that. These thoughts are a nice segue to the next part: legacy.
Legacy
As the happiness study I referenced above would indicate: deep, quality relationships are the main ingredient to happy and healthy lives. My grandma has been a bit more socially isolated in the last few years and she doesn’t have the best vision. I’d venture to guess that my time spent with her is somewhat correlated to a portion of her happiness and health. One of the most troubling things I’ve witnessed over the years is her desire to not be a burden towards us. This usually becomes a negative feedback loop as I continually take on more work, especially side projects, so my time working continues to increase, and with her, decrease. I’ve found her just staring off into space or sleeping to pass the time as she awaits our next interaction. Interactions that were more frequent as I was just starting out in my career. On that note, I’m forever grateful to my amazing sister who has been her caretaker for so many years. Her sacrifice is probably the largest contributor to her happiness and health.
In reflecting on these experiences, I think about my own mortality quite often. I’m not a stranger to working hard, but there’s been more than a few times work has transcended just long hours and crept into deterioration of my personal health. Especially my vision. Much of this started back in pharmacy school and continued to follow me as I’ve pushed myself through residency, Epic go-lives, side hustles, and additional academic training. I suspect that as I age, my personal health will not be very kind.
I’m also thinking a lot about my own legacy. What exactly do I hope to achieve from this life when the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention projects that our life expectancy at birth in the United States from 2020 to 2021 is now at 76.1 years. For men, it’s actually 73.2 years in 2021. In the grand scheme of things, there’s not really a lot of time left. How do I plan to take care of myself as I age and will there be anyone to take care of me when I’m old and unable to care for myself? My partner? But also, given how involved some of the diseases can be as we age, is that something I want to burden my partner with? Also, if my work is such a large part of my identity now, what will my happiness or health look like when I’m no longer able to do the work that has defined such a large part of my life?
Ever since Steve Jobs gave his 2005 Stanford University commencement address (link here), I’ve felt comfortable with the decisions I’ve made as they have continuously brought my closer to what, I believe, is the legacy I want to leave on this Earth: global healthcare interoperability. Selfish-plug: OpenClinTech is the current manifestation of that. However, I now question if that’s too short-sighted as the decisions I have been making will likely lead towards a life where I may not be in the best of health down the road. In seeing a lot of my friends and family move towards a stage of parenting, kids also come into my mind a lot as well. Using the conclusion from the happiness study above again, are kids — or perhaps investing more in my friends and family — the more ideal, long-term goal I should be striving for as I think upon my own health and happiness in my later years.
Concluding Thoughts
As expected, none of my ideas or thoughts are ever fully developed. I’m actually not sure how to digest all the different events that have transpired lately, many of which I haven’t shared, but I’m taking it day by day and doing my best to figure out the best path forward. To somewhat conclude though, I’ll leave the following resources I’m using to reconcile the current stage I’m at in my life.
Reading the following (or re-reading):
- Morality
- When Breath Becomes Air
- How Will You Measure Your Life?
- Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End
Thinking about a fulfilling life:
Still curious about:
- OpenClinTech
- Stanford University School of Engineering CS Programs
- AI Applications in Healthcare
